Come on listen up folks – this is critical news. New and updated guidelines for management of a medical emergency have been released. They are approved, patented and applicable only for viewers of IPK3. You may have been given a practical demo but due to high stress levels (and possible drumming of heels on the floor) you may have missed some critical details.
But fikar not!
Kmami hai na?
Drumroll tan taraa
Presenting decoded and simplified standard operating procedures in a crisis situation – yaad rakhiye Khulasa Times broke the news first.
Got your pens and notepads ready? Okay here we go.
For best results you must be living in a mansion with smooth marbled floors. Keep a carpet handy (preferably Aladdin’s flying carpet). And make sure you have an appropriate male specimen to hone your skills on.
No, by specimen I did not mean a frog.
Okay fine, I shall spell it out – male specimen meaning an unconscious professor from London who has set up a massive business empire in Mumbai (by selling off his kidney).
Okay all clear?
Got your mansion? Professor?
He’s not unconscious? Go on don’t be shy take a tip from IYNV (Indrani Yash Narayan Vashisht) and break a bottle over his head or even better, shriek like a banshee, promise retribution for his evil deeds – that is sure to topple him over.
- First and foremost, Never, Ever call up anybody for help. That is for wimps. Have the guts (and muscles) to manage everything yourself. If you have to call for help, call up somebody who is at least one thousand miles away. Why? Then you get all the brownie points duh. What if he dies in the meanwhile? Oh. Hmm. Err well, okay moving on…
- Slide the bulk of the hulk on to the carpet and bump it down the stairs and up into the car. A magic carpet is a must for those not into regular weightlifting.
- Run out onto the streets and flap your hands as if you wish to cross the road. Never, ever speak clearly about your crisis – these are dangerous times, who knows somebody may just offer to help and steal your brownie points? You want to skip this step altogether? Hmm you can but then how will everyone know how tough it is to get brownie points save a life?
- Unerringly locate the car keys in a mansion that you have entered not two days ago. This one is tricky and critical so be sure to zoom in on where the car keys are kept even if you have been starved and abused.
- Make use of technology – phone up people in other parts of the world for driving instructions and shortest driving routes. But on no account should you ask for the phone number of the nearest hospital, or an ambulance service.
- When you see a policeman, take time to prove the nature of your emergency if necessary beg to be allowed to go on a driving rampage but don’t ask him to help – he will demand a share of your brownie points. Besides, it is critical you save the professor all by yourself. Why, you ask? Why not, Kmami objects.
- Make sure to be bare feet. Why? That will come handy (or footy) to prove how swiftly and efficiently you rose to the occasion. And by extension, undying gratefulness, love, affection and a bonus halo from your in-laws.
- Show presence of mind and remember things that happened while you were unconscious, asleep or simply absent. Matlab? Arre baba, C ko dekha nahi? Behosh thi par yeh pata tha ki AdvSR ko spider ne kata tha?
- Find a doctor who can use a stethoscope to check up on the patient’s heart, lungs, bowels and missing kidney. He should be able to swiftly and accurately surmise when and why the kidney is MIA.
- Remember, hospitals are meant for instant diagnosis – missing kidney –> donated –> decreased immunity –> medical emergency. Poisonous spiders be damned. Now that the diagnosis is over and done with, all he needs is treatment. No expensive interventions or medications – just some plain simple TLC (tender loving care). A soft look, a tiny smile, a gentle caress on his lustrous locks and hey presto! He would be back on his feet – IPK3 ki kasam.
Disclaimer: No responsibility will be taken in case of any protocol deviations.
PS: Did any of you catch the name of the substance AdvSR smeared over Chandni’s arms? Is it available in the market or just on Mars? Do let me know. Thinking of running a campaign to make it mandatory with every bride’s trousseau.