An Alternate IPK

Hello Peepuls kaisan ho? Sab kushal mangal na? No seriously asking – hope you and your loved ones are well. My best wishes to all and thank you to all the readers who continue to visit my blog –  special thanks to anamika (hararnav IF) who’s been on a reading marathon and let me know – by the click of the like button.  But apparently that’s too much of an effort for the others. Ah well this has been a sore point since myeduniya days and I wonder why I continue to harp on it? Anyway getting back to the topic at hand, I managed to write (something afresh) after a gap of more than two years and thought of checking out the public reaction. Perhaps it is so awful that it will jolt you out of your self-imposed annonymity and silence. See how desperate I am for company that even brickbats will do.

 

Aisa hota toh kaisa hota

 

“Tumhe mujhse shaadi karni hogi. Aaaj. Abhi. Issi waqt.”

“What?! Aap pagal ho gaye hain kya?”

“Jo sochna hai soch lo. Shaadi toh karni padegi woh bhi mujhse aur abhi, issi waqt, warna…”

“Warna kya Mr Arnav Singh Raizada, Jiji ki shaadi tod denge?”

“Haan.”

“Par kyon? Sab kuch itna achcha chal raha tha, phi aise iss tarah kyon?”

“Tumhe har baat batana zaroori nahi hai Khushi Kumari Gupta.”

“Batana toh padega Mr Raizada, ouch! Chodiye mera haath…”

“Shut up Khushi. Mere paas waqt bahut kam hai. Abhi chalo warna main abhi shaadi tod deta hoon. Akaash mujhe sawal bhi nahi karega…”

Khushi jerked her arm free and pushed him. “Pooh! Din mein sapne dekhna bund kijiye Arnavji! Apni Ma ki nahi suni toh aapki kyon sunega?”

“Don’t push me Khushi. I know exactly what I am doing. I just have to click my fingers and Akaash will come running…”

Cold anger gripped Khushi. Everything was crystal clear. As if Devi Maiyya had slid her a special pair of glasses.

“Click kariye.” Khushi crossed her arms.

“What the…”

Khushi snapped her fingers in front of Arnav’s face. “Click kariye na. Zara hum bhi toh dekhein Jeejaji kaise duade chalein aatein hai.”

“You are making a mistake Khushi.” Arnav’s nostrils flared his eyes bloodshot. “Tum Payal ke zingdagi se khel rahe ho…”

“Agar Jeejaji aapke kehne par yeh shaadi tod detein hain, woh bhi bina koi sawaal jawab karei toh isse toh achcha hai ki Jiji ki shaadi toot jaaye…”

“Kya bakwaas kar rahi ho Khushi…” Arnav grew hot under the collar. This wasn’t turning out to be as he had imagined.

“Bakwaas hum nahi, aap kar rahein hain.” Khushi shot back. “Go on I challenge you to snap your fingers. Zara hum bhi toh dekhe kis mitti ke bane hain Jeejaji. Woh humari Jiji ke layak hain bhi ki nahi.”

Her eyes flashed, cheeks flushed, hair flying she looked….Arnav swallowed, “Tum galat kar rahi ho Khushi…” To his disgust he sounded placating.

“Galat toh aap kar rahein hain.”

“I can’t believe you would be so selfish and ehsaan faramosh.” ASR made another stab. “Tumhari family ne tumahre liye itna kuch kiya aur tum itna sa bhi sacrifice nahi kar sakti? Itna bura hoon kya mein?” Damn it where did that slip in from? And what the hell was that wheedling tone? He cursed himself.

“Isse ehsaan faramosh nahi door darshi kehte hain.” Khushi snapped furious. She had had enough of his shenanigans. Time to call his bluff. “Aap apne fingers click kariye aur Jeejaji ko hukum dijiye shaadi todne ki. Agar woh aisa kartein hain toh mein abhi jaakar sawa rupay ka prasad DM ko chada kar aaoongi. For saving my sister from such a spineless husband.”

“Big words Khushi Kumari Gupta.” ASR’s lips curled as he jeered. “Par kar paaogi kya?” Think of the badnaami. Your Babuji, Amma Buaji, people….”

“Fine!” Khushi threw up her hands. “You win. Yeh risk hum nahi le sakte.”

“Hmph. Ab chalo. Bahut der ho chuki hai.”

“Haan chaliye. Par jaane se pehle zara Anjaliji se milna tha.”

Arnav froze in his tracks. “Di? Di se kyon milna hai…”

“Kuch kaam tha…ouch! Chodiye hume. Dard ho raha hai. Chodiye warna police se bhi milte huye jaayenge.”

“Shut up Khushi and tell me Di se kya kaam hai.”

“Kuch nahi, bas Di ko yeh batana tha ki unke pyaare husband is the world’s biggest creepiest lecherous farebi.”

“I don’t believe this! Ekto you trap Shyam in your snares and then you threaten to destroy my sister’s marriage….”

“Shaadi shaadi shaadi. Is that all that you can think of? Yeh shaadi kar lo, yeh shaadi tod doonga, yeh shaadi toot jaayegi…”

“Shut up….”

“Nahi. Aap shut up. Ab hum bolenge aura ap sunenge.” She advanced upon him even as he backed away. “What kind of men are you guys? Ek spineless, ek lecherous aur ek,” she raked him down contemptuously with her eyes, “panic-stricken. Aapko jo karna hai kariye par hum aapse shaadi nahi karenge. At least not in this clandestine abhi issi waqt. Shaadi karni hai humse toh sahi tareeke se, shagun lekar, band baaja samet…”

“Shaadi. Aur tumse. In your dreams Khushi Kumari Gupta…”

“Nightmare more likely.” Snorted Khushi. “Aur phir aagaye na ussi baat par. Shaadi. Aur abhi toh zabardasti kar rahe the. Bhool gaye kya?”

“Woh sab chodo. Yeh Shyam ke baare mein kya bol rahi thi…?”

“Wohi jo aap sunna ya samajhna hi nahi chahte. Humse shaadi karke kya hoga? You think that will deter him? When we are both under the same roof? Yeh hai South Delhi’s sharpest shatir businessman ki strategy?” She clutched her head and moaned, “Hey Devi Maiyya kuch samjhaiye aap inhe. Kuch akkal…”

“How dare you Khushi…?”

“Kyon idiot ko idiot bulane ka haq sirf aapko hai kya?” Achcha toh isse kaleje par thandak kehte hai!

“KHUSHI I AM WARNING YOU…”

“Chillaiye mat! Di aajaayengi. Phir kya karenge aap? Na toh humse zabardasti shaadi kar payenge aur na hi humara munh bund…”

ASR wavered.

“Toh kya karoon main?” Flustered, Arnav retorted, “Aise hi haath pe haath rakhkar beith jaaoon?”

“Haan beith jaaiye…”

“Khushi….”

“Hey Devi Maiyya! Kuch tassali bhi dedo inko. Aaap shutapiyaiyenge tabhi na hum kuch soch paayenge?”

ASR had a near apoplectic fit. But Khushi was on her own trip and didn’t notice. Or pretended not to. She tapped her cheek thoughtfully, “Sabse pehle toh aap us Shyamji ko London bhej dijiye….”

“Aur use kya fayda hoga?” ASR was raring to go. “Wahan kisi aur se chakkar chalaya toh? Aur mein kaise maan loon ki yeh tumhara koi gehri chaal nahin…”

Khushi rolled her eyes and held up her hands. “Humare liye bhi kya aap ticket book kar rahein hain kya? Nahin na? Toh? Aapko toh humari aukat achche se pata hai na? Kabhi kabhi apna bhi dimaag istemal kar lijiye…”

“What’s the point of sending him away? Di will get upset…”

“Less upset than if you forcibly marry me and when she finds out about Shyam’s duplicity….”

“OVER MY DEAD BODY!”

“It may just come to that…”

“What do you mean Khushi Kumari….”

“Yehi ki he may just kill you…”

“Nonsense! Why would he do that? He’s not a murderer he’s just…”

“One of the bois? Just a bit of harmless flirting? Pretending to be unmarried staying as a PG at some stranger’s house, getting engaged to their daughter while having a wife? Tell me Mr Arnav Singh Raizada, what happens when we marry? Contract wedding right? Six months? During these six months what do you expect Shyam to do? Forget about me and start being faithful to Di. Just because I am married? Ha! Really?”

“Usne kuch nahi kiya hai. Tumne use fasaya hai…”

“Ohh you poor bois boohoo. So easily fasaod. No dimaag of their own. Just think with their…” she trailed off.

“With their what?”

Khushi firmed her chin and met his eyes squarely. “I am sure you can fill in the blanks.”

“I thought I didn’t have the dimaag to…”

“Yaahan dimaag ki toh baat hi nahi ho rahi hai na. Jiski ho rahi hai, wohi fit hogi.”

“KHUSHI…anyway we are digressing…”

“No we are not. You are. By running away from the problem, creating another problem to solve a problem which will only go away if you face it head on.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Of course you don’t. You are a man. It’s easier for you to blame a woman for your problems. Chaliye aapka dil rakhne ke liye maan lete hain ki humne unhe jaan boojhkar fasaya lekin humse shaadi karke kya solution hoga iss problem ka? You think shaadi has ever stopped two lovers from…”

“You wouldn’t dare Khushi I would…”

“Haan haan pata hain pata hai,” Khushi stopped him wearily with a raised hand, “Jiji ki shaadi tod denge na? Par what if Jiji ka bhi yehi plan hai, shaadi karo, paisa looto aur divorce karo? Aakhir behen toh humari hai? Hum dono ka bhi toh chaal ho sakta hai?”

Arnav blenched.

“Kya hua? Bolti bund?” Khushi smiled, “Kam se kam what the toh keh dijiye!” she jeered. Feeling that tables were about to turn she threw in a twist, “Arre rukiye. Hum ne apna mind badal diya. Chaliye shaadi karte hain, aaj abhi isi waqt. Chae mahino ke liye…”

“Kyon?”

“Arre kyon ka kya matlab? Aapko toh khush hona chahiye. Aap jeet gaye. Hum haar gaye. Chaliye jaldi kariye warna…”

“Warna kya?”

“Hum apna man badal lenge.” She waggled her eyes at him even as he clenched his fists.

“Khushi I am warning you don’t mess with me. Batao why you changed your mind?”

“High time somebody messed with you.” She shrugged and then backed off. “Okay fine don’t burst an artery, she paused and then said in a sotto voce, “at least not till we are married…”

“What?!!!”

“Poora boliye na…What the…” Khushi was suddenly having the time of her life while ASR grappled with an overwhelming desire to strangle her, beg her, kiss her…

“Kya hua?” She mocked him, “Kuch samajh aaya ya phir explainiyana padega? Achcha toh suniye, abhi abhi hume yeh samajh aaya ki hum toh bekar hi ek shaadi shuda aadmi ke peeche pade huye the. Yeh to aap ki sangti ka dosh hai. Aapke saath saath humara bhi dimaag thoda dheela padh gaya that. Ab dekhiya na, ek millionaire hum se shaadi karne ke liye utsuk hai toh uss kangal Shyam ke pass kya rakkha hai? Kyon sahi kaha na humne. Don’t worry hum aapka raat ko chupke chupke murder nahi karenge.” She paused, “Haan agar waise hi heart attack ho jaye toh usska hum kuch nahi kar sakte.” She was quite unable to hide the chortle in her voice.

.Arnav pressed a hand to his head. He was feeling dizzy. What the hell was happening here? When did the tables turn? And why was she making more sense than….

 “Toh kya decide kiya aapne? Humse shaadi ya phir Jiji aur Jeejaji ke paas chalein?”

Arnav struggled for words.

“Theek hai,” Khushi shrugged, “Since I cannot force you to the Mandir I will go to the mandap. Coming?”

He hesitated, fumbled and then burst out “Par Khushi, Shyam ko London bhej kar kya hoga?”

“Aha. Now we are talking Arnavji. Suniye Jiji ki shaadi ho jaane dijiye phir aap miliye humse chaat par. Wahin sab zaroori baat karenge. Par iss baar aap pehle pahunchna.”

****

Not to be continued

Stay home, stay safe, and keep reading

 

50 thoughts on “An Alternate IPK”

  1. I can’t stop laughing, Dahlia! What have you done to my Arnav?! And you want to send Shyamji mere paas?! Maine kya bigada aapka 😔

    Also, I please Not Guilty Melord for silent wala bhatakna ☺️

    Very clever and topical the way you inserted “bois” 👏🏼

    It was lovely to read your writing again 🤗

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Aur kaun snakewa ko handle kar sakta hai batao. Between you and Ferdi toh koi issue hi nahi 😛
      Of course not dear Ruchi do chaar hona silentia ke dum par hi toh aaj barson ke baad i had the himmat to post. Pata tha sambhal loge🤗🙏

      Liked by 4 people

      1. Hamesha 😘

        I am listening / watching Main aur Meri tanhai song from Silsila inspired by your title.
        All the words Arnav will not be thinking as he waits for Khushi on the chhat 😂

        Tum hoti to kaisaa hota
        Tum ye kahati tum vo kahati
        Tum is baat pe hairaan hoti
        Tum us baat pe kitani hansti
        Tum hoti to aisaa hota
        Tum hoti to waisa hota
        Main aur meri tanhaai
        Aksar ye baate karte hain

        Liked by 4 people

      2. Don’t know about a song, but here is a Ghalib sher to justify his Shaadi brain fade 😉
        ishq ne ‘ġhālib’ nikammā kar diyā
        varna ham bhī aadmī the kaam ke

        Liked by 4 people

      3. Wah wah kya baat hai!. Err waise Ghalib ka toh pata nahi, Arnav nikamma ho gaya par life toh ban gayi na Khushi ke aane se! 😀
        I have missed this banter 🙂

        Liked by 4 people

  2. Oh god i m literally in tears, but ye hansi ki aasuon hai😂😂😂😂 Arnavji ko aapne sach main guy bana diya jo sirf rambha sakti hai aur kuch nahi.. & Khushi was smart buoy😎. Aayi aap bahut muddato ke baad par tabiyat khush kar di..

    PS- aap ko kabhi bhool nahi sakte kyunki u r d one who told us what comes after happily ever after.

    PPS- i hope u r having as much joy as u have given us by this laughter riot 🙂. Wishing u & your family r safe & healthy. Stay blessed. Thank u & cheers🍺🍺

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Hello Prachi! How have you been? Aur ghar par sab theek hai na? Take care and stay safe. Indeed by visiting and expressing your enjoyment has cheered me up immensely. Thank you 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh i had those, just before lockdown followed by matar ki chat.. those were d days.. here golgappe wala give 5 different types of pani, heeng water is my absolute fav. After that meetha golgappa with curd & meethi chutney

        Liked by 3 people

  3. Hi Dahlia, thank you for your email. I was thinking about visiting the blog to find something to read.
    Khushi has picked up Manorama mami’s lingo. She used to speak shudh Hindi. Khushi ne ASRki bolti bandh kar di. She called his bluff and cleared this misunderstanding about her and his Jijaji.
    Waise. Agar aisa hota to hamen aisa pyara serial dekhne nahi milta. It would not have been Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon and I would not have met you , Ruchi and others.
    Thank you, Dahlia. Please do write more. I have missed you. In this lockdown, I have not much to do as the boys have taken over the kitchen and cooking some delicious food.It feels like we are eating at different restaurants. But I do miss simple Gujarati Khana. Nothing beats Daal chawal.
    Take care and be safe.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Ab waqt waqt ki baat hai besides any port in a storm! Kabhi Mami kabhi ASR jo teer nishane par lag jaye. Waise itne saal ho gaye yaaddasht bhi kamzor ho rahi hai – was thinking of editing the last line now we are talking to – ab aaya na oonth pahad ke neeche par tab tak digajjon ne padh liya toh chod diya 😀 I also hope i can write but Dahlia apne marzi ki malik hai mere miss karne se kya hota hai. Thanks for reading. Dal chawal is special 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

  4. Hello, what a lovely and hysterically funny surprise! So glad Dahlia picked up her pen and posted … chahe do saal baad hi sahi 😘😘😘 oh! it brought back all those wonderful days of Arnav and Khushi … even though the tables have turned here, you kept their characters intact, I was laughing so hard that my husband, who has been suspecting that the lockdown has messed up my head, is now convinced that I need counselling. Now, don’t stop writing….please. Love and hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. 😂😂 poor hubby. Not that they deserve any sympathies or considerations. Generally of no use except to drive Dahlia to rant 😇🤣 Glad you enjoyed. Fingers crossed that they will fly again🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I never wanted Khushi to say yes to that demeaning marriage..
    I also wanted her to tell about Snakewa ..
    I also wanted Akash to prove himself worthy of Payal..
    Tumhare aur mere khayalaat kitne miltey jultey hain..

    I got the link to ur blog through my friend Raji (Savera84)..

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Aap yahan? Suraj kahan se nikla aaj? Waise even I wonder – kahan se itna time milta tha, ek baar serial dekho, phir sabke reviews padho, phir se dekho phir comment karo 😂😂😂 I dont think Pages wale pe date aata hai (wordpress is funny) waise posted in the first week of May 2020. Kyun?

    Like

  7. Haha,… “Don’t worry hum aapka raat ko chupke chupke murder nahi karenge”… she wouldn’t dare 😜 “Par iss baar aap pehle pahunchna” ….An alternate beginning then😬?? A floundering ASR… bechaara 😏

    Brought back old memories of our famous tryst with myeduniya forum. What discussions, analysis and comments and what fun we had. Now I really wonder how did we find so much time for a show. Our days and nights used to be consumed totally on thinking of and discussing a show … those were the crazy days.
    By the way, when did you write this, … ‘cos I am searching for the date and I can’t seem to find it. Have you removed that inputs?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aap yahan? Suraj kahan se nikla aaj? Waise even I wonder – kahan se itna time milta tha, ek baar serial dekho, phir sabke reviews padho, phir se dekho phir comment karo 😂😂😂 I dont think Pages wale pe date aata hai (wordpress is funny) waise posted in the first week of May 2020. Kyun?

      Like

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