Dear Friends all of us (at least those who have been reading SS Season 2!) have been struggling to understand ASR (including yours truly!). Whilst on one of my link hopping sprees, DM was kind enough to drop this article right into my inbox. And what an eyeopener and fodder for discussion. I am including the link at the bottom but am attempting to summarize the points that were of particular interest and relevance, at least to me. Feel free to disagree, in fact that is the whole point of this post to understand and perhaps accept ASR as he is with the help of your varied perspectives and understandings.
So apparently there is this thing called the dark triad that has already been well-studied and reportedly consists of narcissism (entitled self-importance), Machiavellianism (strategic exploitation and deceit) and psychopathy (callousness and cynicism).
While these three traits had traditionally been attributed to specific populations such as criminals, researchers have shown that each of these traits are clearly on a continuum— all of us have varying degrees of narcissistic Machiavellian and psychopathic traits.
Researchers found that the dark triad was positively correlated with
- Being younger
- Being male
- Utilitarian moral judgment
- Strengths of creativity
- Motives for power, achievement and self-enhancement
- Being motivated by power
- Instrumental sex (whatever that means!)
- Achievement and affiliation (but not intimacy)
- Having self-enhancement values
- Immature defense styles
- Conspicuous consumption(?!)
- Viewing their creative work
- Religious immortality as routes to death transcendence (?!)
The dark triad was negatively correlated with
- Life satisfaction
- Self-transcendent values
- A quiet ego
- A belief that humans are good
- A belief that one’s own self is good.
Does it ring a bell? Can we draw parallels? Anyone?
But before we move on to discuss ASR let’s not forget that there’s Khushi or people like her as well – who just by their being, shine their light on everyone regardless. They are indiscriminate in their giving and emits unconditional love naturally and spontaneously because that’s just who they are. They apparently belong this other type called the light triad characterised by Kantianism (treating people as ends unto themselves, not mere means), Humanism (valuing the dignity and worth of each individual) and Faith in Humanity (believing in the fundamental goodness of humans):
The light triad was associated with
- Being older
- Being female
- Less childhood unpredictability
- Higher levels of religiosity
- Life satisfaction
- Acceptance of others
- Belief that others are good
- Belief that one’s self is good
- Openness to experience
- Positive enthusiasm
- Having a quiet ego
- A belief that one can live on through nature and biosociality (having children) after one’s personal death.
Individuals scoring higher on the Light Triad Scale also reported more satisfaction with their relationships, competence and autonomy. In general, the light triad was related to being primarily motivated by intimacy and self-transcendent values. Many character strengths correlated with the light triad, including curiosity, perspective, zest, love, kindness, teamwork, forgiveness and gratitude.
Mature defense styles were also associated with the light triad (e.g., humor, sublimation, altruism, anticipation), as were optimistic beliefs about the self, the world and one’s future. Individuals scoring higher on the Light Triad Scale also reported higher self-esteem, authenticity and a stronger sense of self.
The light triad was negatively correlated with the motives for achievement and self-enhancement (even though the light triad was positively related to productivity and competence). It was also uncorrelated with bravery or assertiveness (Such characteristics may be important for reaching one’s more challenging goals and fully self-actualizing)
Additionally, the light triad was related to greater interpersonal guilt — including survivor (“I sometimes feel I don’t deserve the happiness I achieved”), separation (“It makes me anxious to be away from home for too long”) and omnipotent responsibility (“I worry a lot about the people I love even when they seem to be fine”) forms of guilt.
While these may facilitating relationships and repair damage in a relationship, these forms of guilt may limit one’s ambitions for fear of succeeding while others remain less successful.
The light triad was also correlated with greater “reaction formation.” This may be exemplified by “If someone mugged me and stole my money, I’d rather he be helped than punished” and “I often find myself being very nice to people who by all rights I should be angry at.” While having such traits is conducive to one’s own well-being, these attitudes, coupled with greater interpersonal guilt, could make them potentially more open to exploitation and emotional manipulation.
That’s it folks – the floor is open for debate and discussion. I have quoted heavily from this article: https://getpocket.com/explore/item/the-light-triad-vs-dark-triad-of-personality
Please do read it as I have may have missed out or misinterpreted stuff beyond my understanding. Plus, it offers a very cool Light Triad Scale link – I will share my score if you will 😀
Added 8th August 2020
Hola! Sorry to be MIA, but kya karein AD kambhakht kuch aisi hi hai. And ek aur baat confess karni thi – woh ‘shayad’ bhi aap logon ka dil rakhne ke likha tha 😛
Bura na mano, yeh humari soch hai, bas. Arnav ne hi kaha tha na kya karoon Khushi shayad main aisa hi hoon? Main kabhi kuch jaan ke nahi karta? (Kab kahan toh yaad nahi – anyone?)
I most humbly beg to differ on the awarding of the crown of ‘not meanie’ to ASR.
He is too.
Aapko nahi pata?
Remember when Di brought him a balloon for his birthday – he had no problems in life, mom and dad were both around. Yet he rebuffed her. And destroyed the balloon. Which child doesn’t like balloons? And which child bursts it remorselessly for no rhyme or reason – other than to hurt his Di? A meanie 😀
Okay okay fine fine.
I miss remember the scene? Ho sakta hai.
Ya phir uss din uska mood khaarab tha.
Ya phir woh kuch aur gift expect kar raha tha.
So all said and done I am like you girls, I am in denial. I refuse to accept facts. Sapno ki duniya main rehte rehte I superimpose it on to asli duniya too. For otherwise I would not be able to breathe to continue with my customary good cheer and zest. Thus, I continue to make excuses, find reasons to justify abuse, and accept it and brush it under the carpet. And therein lies our failure to know when the line has been crossed, when enough is enough.
But it is also our strength, but for this denial, but for this preference for SKD there would be many more broken unhappy Arnavs in this world.
But perhaps we need to learn to accept facts, move out of the cocoon of SKD and face AD, deal with it and rise above it, on our terms without creating ASRs. A tough call I know but then staying in SKD in this AD is no mean feat either!
Anyway, I digress, let’s go back to SKD :D. Mysa also commented once that ASR is cruel – or does that not cover meanness? Maybe he is just being cruel. But I think ASR is just like that. Matlab woh aisa hi hai. 😛
He doesn’t mean to be cruel. He is just stating facts. He is busy, she isn’t. Karti kya hai sara din? Fact hai. When the kids were small then she was busy, now she is busy doing nothing. For the past 30 years she ran after her kids did things for them and now too she is continuing to spoon feed them. ASR is impatient and irritated about it. Bahut ho gaya ghar ghar. Ab toh she should get a life? Kya galat keh diya? Yehi na ki sweetly samjha ke nahi bola toh itna bura maan jayegi Khushi?
But he is thinking meri Khushi kahan hai? Where is that firebrand Khushi? Who never took an insult lying down? Pehle bhi toh kiya tha? Tab toh she fought back. Maybe ASR thinks this is the way to get that Khushi back, a girl who thinks on her feet and not one who sits and mopes.
Made any sense?